A Conversation with God on Trust

Imagine with me a hypothetical conversation between me and my dear Father, Jesus Christ. 

God: "So you want a husband and 2.5 kids... soon? Perhaps a lake cabin and a boat later on. And maybe you'd like to go back to school to get a degree in education? You want to get a good paying job to pay off all your student loans, buy a house, and become financially set? Or go get that training to be a volunteer physical therapist working with those suffering from Parkinsons disease?"
Me: "Yes, God."

God: "What if I told you that you will be a missionary in West Africa? Would you follow me there?"

Me: "Ok, God. It would be very hard to leave my dear family and my beloved Minnesota, but moving to California for two years taught me that following you to a new location is something I can do if it's your will and your leading. I will follow you wherever you lead."

God: "What if I told you that the best work you can do for me isn't in education or isn't working with Parkinsons patients necessarily, but is simply spreading my story to share what grace and abundant life I've given you by loving people and doing life with people and sharing your heart for me? Will you follow me?"

Me: "Yes, God. Still, whatever you lead me to do..."

God: "What if I told you that I don't want you to go back to school to get a degree in education, that many people will look down on your so-called blue-collar work, but that's what I want you to be doing...and that instead you'll be working odd jobs the rest of your life?"

Me: "As long as I am following your leading for my life, your direction is what's best, and I will follow."

God: "What if I were to tell you that you will be scraping by financially for the rest of your life... Will you still follow me then?"

Me: ".....*sigh* this is so hard, God. I need money to live. I need money to sustain my health, pay my bills..."

God: "I will sustain you."

Me: "But God, how?"

God: "I will provide. Sometimes it will be through gifts. Sometimes it will be through a family offering to include you in their dinner or giving you vegetables from their garden. Sometimes it will be my provision through employment. But it is all my provisions, and I will provide for you your needs and sustain you."

Me: "There's no stability in that."

God: "Not in those things, no. But there is stability in me, that I will always provide for your needs. Will you still follow me?"

Me: "Ok. I trust you. I will follow you. Provide for me how you will."

God: "Now what if I was to tell you that you will never get married. Never have children."

Me: "Really God? Now you're telling me that I'm not going to have the bond and companionship of a spouse and the blessings of motherhood and raising children...even for the glory of your name?"

God: "What if? What if I were to tell you, no, you won't. Will you still follow me?"

Me: .............

God: "So....???"

Me: "Yes, God. You are all I need. I will still follow you, even if it means giving up the things I want for the sake of your name, your glory. You can put me through the fires. You can destroy my world around me and bring me to my knees with nothing else, and though it will be the hardest thing, I will still follow you. For a life without serving your name and following your will is a life not worth living. I am yours. However you choose to shape my life, I am yours."

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What if we trusted God's will completely?

This is something I am honestly working on. These things are some of the hardest issues in my heart that I have yet to deal with. This conversation with God is a near representation of some of the things he's been working on in my life.
And though letting this out into the blogosphere terrifies me to my soul, opening up some very deep wounds and fears, I can't help but think that maybe others will read this and be moved to also follow Christ - whatever the sacrifice.

                

(I admit, this is the first photo I've used that is most likely copyrighted, which is something I never do. As a rule, I am always very careful about using other's work, making sure it's not copyrighted and available for public use. But this blog is for personal use and has never made any money, so just for the one instance, I am going to use it anyway. There's just something about the idea of this conversation happening over coffee...specifically *my* favorite - a vanilla chai latte from Caribou Coffee, that I couldn't resist including on here.
It's not to garner attention, nor to drive traffic here. Nor is it to discredit and take advantage of the great photography here.
Regardless, far be it from me to not give credit where credit is due and I most certainly want to respect the work they do and certainly don't want to take credit for something I did not help create (save the text.) I found this on Caribou Coffee's facebook page. So whoever's work it is, whatever company created this beautiful image that perfectly 
captured what I needed... I hope you don't mind.

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The winds of change

Ahhh, it's been far too long since I've sat down to write anything.
Some of that's due to an incredibly busy schedule leading up to my departure of the west coast (best coast.) Lately it's been due to, well, not wanting to be open and write what I'm thinking and feeling.

The winds of change blow constant in my life, whether they're 100 mph storm winds or a 15 mph breeze. Sometimes I face the wind in my stubbornness, reluctant to resist to its pushing, and sometimes I let it carry me, eager to see where it will take me.

Since my return to Minnesota from SoCal, my heart has been filled with a peace and joy. There really is no place like home. I've wandered among the trees, smelled the pines and the recent rains that soak into the earth. I've sat by the lakes, my heart so content to sit by still waters and watch as it reflects the sunset painted sky. I've followed the clouds filled with thunder and lightening that spark an adventurous spirit in my soul. I've shared drinks and food and laughter with dear old friends I've missed while I was away.

On the return side, all these things are just ever-so-slightly tainted by the pinch in my heart, aching for the friends and life I shared in Camarillo. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the ocean (who wouldn't?), and of course the outer-suburb life, given how far away from Camarillo was to the city, as I am now in a very hustling and bustling area of Minneapolis. But mostly, my heart aches for the friendships and the relationships I built there. My dear Camarillo friends, please know that you are all one of a kind and I miss you all more than I can express.

But, alas, change brings me here.
I'm adjusting.

It's taking time and space.

There are things I find that make me ache to return to Camarillo. And there are things I find that make me breath in a deep breath and say "I love Minnesota and am so glad I am back."

My life has changed immeasurably in the past several years.

I am finding my new footing. Sometimes my grip underneath my feet is much faultier than others.

In all of these adjustments and changes, there is one thing I need to say.

I am confident and at peace with where God has me right now. He deserves the glory for what he is doing in and through my life, and whatever comes my way, I will follow him.

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